Excessive Apologies: Ways to Stop the Habit

As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It frustrates my close ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that therapy might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or exposure, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and anxiety.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This process will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.